I realized today I need to watch what I say in front of the kids. My mother asked Aidan what he wanted for his birthday and he told her, "Friggin' nothing."

Labels: Children, Laughter

Apparently the two biggest skanks in the modern world are together again.





Ain't love grand?

Labels: Laughter

I hate sharing food with people. There is nothing that makes me cringe more than going out to eat with a friend and hearing, Want to split an entree? I want to yell at them, No, I don't want to split an entree. I want my own damn entree. I don't want to limit my selection by your likes and dislikes, ESPECIALLY if you are a picky eater. And I want the whole entree, not just half.

I don't mind splitting some appetizers. I don't even mind sharing dessert. But the main course. No way.

I like to eat. I love to eat. I am a very fortunate person. I have a great metabolism. My enormous appetite and size 4 body have been the joke among family and friends my entire life.

I once walked out of a restaurant on John when we were dating because of his comments on my eating habits. We had just finished appetizers and a large dinner. I told him I wanted to get the cheesecake for dessert. He looked at me and told me one day my eating habits were not going to be funny and it would all catch up to me. Now I've had jealous bitches tell me this, hoping upon hope I would show up at my 30th year high school reunion a huge porker. But for that to come from my boyfriend, the man I loved, I was pissed. He apologized and it never came up again, although he did blame me for his weight gain when we got married. I just attributed it to my great cooking (and I do love to cook, but more in a Rachael Ray, rather than Martha Stewart, way).

Here's what's even worse, though. My daughter always wants to eat what's on my plate, even if we are eating the same thing. I resent it, even from her. I RESENT MY 2-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER WHEN SHE EATS OFF MY PLATE!. There I said it.

I am as bad as Joey on Friends. Remember when he broke up with a girl for eating off his plate? I get that. That would be a complete deal-breaker for me.

Labels: Laughter, Life

So, two of my least favorite people in the world have their own reality shows:

Mother-of-the-Year Dina Lohan and Crazier-Than-a-Loon Denise Richards.

Who is the mental midget who thought it would be a good idea to award these two train wrecks with their own shows? Does Hollywood have no conscience at all (I know, stupid question).

I posted this in the comments section of the Well Read Hostess' blog, but I think it bears repeating here.

My list of worst mothers ever, in order:

1.) Joan Crawford
2.) Susan Smith (the woman who drowned her kids in the car and claimed a black man carjacked her)
3.) Lynne Spears
4.) Dina Lohan
5.) Andrea Yates (she is at the bottom because she is mentally ill and quite, frankly, I put most of the blame on her asshole husband)

Methinks Denise Richards might make the list any day now. She is certainly #1 on the worst BFF list.

Labels: Laughter

TMZ has learned Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. In case you didn't process that, Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy.

(at first I thought to myself, Wow this is the first time a celebrity has been "inned"! Then I continued to read):

Here's what we know. Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay's best friend. He lives at her home when he's in L.A.

(Best friend. Hmmmmmm......I guess that's the politically correct term for "hag".)

We're told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She's the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.

(And the plot thickens. 50?!)

We're told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm -- we're told he will have an active role in raising the child.

(Mystery solved! All is still right with the world.)

(Oh--and who the hell wrote "Clay is a lot more than sperm"? Give that person a Pen/Faulkner award!)

No immediate word from Aiken's rep.

Labels: Laughter

I watched Grey's Anatomy for the first time ever last Friday night. I was feeling left out. It seems the whole world watches and loves this show. It seems every woman in the world loves Patrick Dempsey.

I am in a great minority. First, what a crappy, sappy, unrealistic, soap opera of a show. Ugh. I hated it. I hated all the characters. Two of the main characters had managed to kill every one of their 11 patients in a clinical trial. On what freakin' planet are doctors allowed to continue a clinical trial when they kill 11 people? I don't care what even the most psychotic conspiracy theorists say, there is no way in hell this would be allowed to happen.

Ooops, I lie. I like one character--she's a surgeon who has a young son. I have no idea what her name is. I liked her. If she had her own show, I might even watch it. I hated the rest of them, though.

There was another character who was, I think, romantically involved with his patient who was clinically depressed and not to be unsympathetic to depression (because really, I'm not), but isn't against the rules for doctors to be romantically involved with patients?

Oh, and like all those male residents would really be single. I know for a fact that even the ugliest residents are snapped up in medical school.

On Patrick Dempsey--I think he's ugly. There, I said it. Shoot me. I find nothing sexy or attractive about him. He still looks like the dork in Can't Buy Me Love to me. There was another doctor who I thought was really hot. I'm not sure who he is, but I think in real life he's married to Rebecca I-killed-a-young-boy-with-my-SUV- because-I-am-an entitled-bitch- who-got impatient-and-passed-a-car-on-the-right-who-stopped-to-let-previously-mentioned-young-
boy-cross-the-road Gayheart (wow, what a long name).

This show pretty much sucks as much as the stupid Jodi Picoult novel I read.

I can't believe this is a hit and Scrubs is off the air.

Labels: Laughter, Life

List of the Day listed annoying things that make a person an asshole.

This is the one I hate more than anything else:

If you send chain letters of any kind (this includes those stupid e-mails that you are going to make a ton of money or some sick child will benefit because so-and-so company will track your e-mails even though that is impossible)... you are an asshole!

Labels: Laughter

I was watching Little Bear with the kids the other night and was again reminded of how funny John could be without trying. For those of you not familiar with this show, it's a show whose audience is preschool children. It's quite adorable and a nice quiet show about family and friendship. The episode we were watching was one we had watched with John about a year ago. Little Bear was having some friends over on a Sunday afternoon and they were given strict instructions by his mother to be quiet while playing because Father Bear wanted to relax and read the paper. John very seriously turned to me and made the following statement: "Father Bear is a real prick."

I couldn't stop laughing.

That wasn't the only time a cartoon got the best of my husband. The Christmas before he died we were watching Frosty the Snowman with Aidan. You all know the story. Snowman comes to life with a magic hat...blah, blah, blah. At the end of the cartoon, Frosty melted in the greenhouse and Santa came and brought him back with his magic. Then he reprimands the evil magician. Well, the evil magician backtalks Santa at first. John turned to me at the end of the story, again very seriously, and told me that it was completely unrealistic that the evil magician would ever speak that way to Santa Claus.

"Yes, John," I told him, "in a story about a snowman who comes to life, a rabbit that communicates with people and the fact there is even a Santa Claus in the story, the magician being rude to Santa is the unrealistic part."

He got mad at me.

Labels: Laughter

While in Punta Cana we took advantage of one of the many excursions Club Med had to offer. We went to Manati Park with the kids. It was kind of a poor man's zoo. Since the Dominican Republic is such a poor country, that makes sense. There were a lot of birds and reptiles at this "zoo", but the main attractions were the shows. They had an Indian Show that was supposed to represent the ancient rituals of the original tribes from the Dominican Republic. The girl with dyed pink hair and the one with the tramp stamp kind of ruined the authenticity, though.

Then they had a dolphin and sea lion show. Throughout the whole thing I kept thinking, why am I never at one of the shows where the animal turns on the trainer. That would be so cool.

Come on. Think about it. Can you really blame these animals when they do turn on their trainers? What do you think is going through their heads? Gee, I really LOVE living in captivity performing all these stupid tricks for these stupid people. Thank God someone rescued me from the wide open ocean for this shit.

Then I started to think about our resort and how nice all the workers there were? What are they really thinking behind their smiles and their "bonjours", "holas" and "hellos"? Fucking rich-ass American, Canadian, European tourists...think they're better than me. I could kill you in your sleep and no one would ever find me.

Yes, this is the stuff that goes on in my head while having a nice day out with my kids at a a poor excuse for a zoo.

The highlight of the trip for the kids was the horse show. At the end, Aidan got to ride a pony. Don't even get me started on what I think was going on in that pony's head.

Labels: Children, Laughter, Life

My kids were a pain in the ass this week and got sent to bed early, so I was able to get caught up with all the important news events.

Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting a divorce--is there anyone who didn't know he was gay, I mean besides Star Jones?

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up again? Is he going to try to off himself again?

Mariah Carey got married--I give it 6 weeks.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are getting married--my husband would have been so jealous (of Ellen, not Portia).

Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are on vacation together in Costa Rica--WTF?

Angelina Jolie is having twins. Does everyone in Hollywood have twins? Are twins the new black?

Labels: Laughter

There are just so many reasons why this is wrong.

(from the Daily Blabber on IVillage)

Labels: Laughter

I mentioned that some co-workers gave me the URL to a "social networking" site. I have found the reason why I will NEVER join one of these sites.

You must checkout: cantbelievehesstillsingle.blogspot.com

I have never laughed so hard in my life.

Labels: Laughter

I hate it when other people come up with clever and funny posts in their blogs that I should have thought of. There are two people who seem to consistently do this--The Well Read Hostess (I actually hijacked one of her posts) and The Baroness (this morning I laughed out loud at her post). They both piss me off to no end. List of the Day also keeps me in stitches with his snarky comments. And Los, has had occasion to piss me off with his humorous observations, too. Especially his now almost defunct Now That's F*cked Up.

A comment was left on here about my blogroll. I am hideously guilty of not updating it to reflect what I am currently reading, and I need to take a few blogs down because they seem to have stopped posting. There are also a few blogs on there that I no longer read regularly.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I am now in the process of updating my blogroll.

Labels: Laughter, Life

A good friend of my husband's called me yesterday to let me know he had gotten engaged. I thought that was so kind of him to keep me in the loop like that. If John had been alive, he would have told him, so now that he's gone he made sure to tell me.

He danced uncomfortably around inviting me to the wedding in September. I could tell he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do, but I immediately told him I would love to come. When I got off the phone, I thought, what the hell was I thinking? I didn't even give myself the slightest out--if I can find a babysitter I will go; I would love too, but that's so far in advance I don't know for sure yet. No, instead I immediately jumped in with yes.

I know it was the right thing to do and I am genuinely happy for him, but how pathetic am I going to look at that wedding all alone?

And that's when I realized I am lacking a vital relationship in my life. I need a gay boyfriend.

Labels: Laughter, Life, Love

Labels: Laughter, Life

Remember when Rolling Stone Magazine declared they were going to be the next Beatles? Yeah, that was pretty much my last subscription to Rolling Stone.

Labels: Laughter

This weekend Aidan and Ava attended a birthday party. The theme was Backyardigans.



I have been subjected to repeated episodes of Dora, Diego, Max and Ruby (which I happen to truly enjoy). I have found myself quoting the Berenstain Bears to my son ("to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend") and expounding on the theme of the Wonder Pets (Teamwork).



I have thanked God that my children were never into, as my brother calls him, that Big Purple Hemorrhoid, Barney, although I have had to suffer through the equally annoying Elmo (what is with him constantly referring to himself in the third-person?). There was no Elmo when I watched Sesame Street and when did everyone on Sesame Street discover that Mr. Snuffelupugus was real? The last I had seen the show, no one believed Big Bird.



However, my kids have never really been into the Backyardigans, and so I never paid much attention. Now that I had them staring at me for an entire 2 hours, I have just one question:



What the hell is this?

Labels: Children, Laughter

I used to work with a young woman who worshipped Jessica Simpson. On Halloween, she wore a blonde wig and a shirt that said "Mrs. Lachey" (of course this was before they divorced). She talked about Jessica Simpson all the time and wanted to be her friend. I think she wanted to ber her.





To say the least, I found this odd. It's just my opinion, but I find Ms. Simpson a bit vapid. If one is going to worship someone, I would imagine one would choose a person who has a bit more to offer to the world than a fake tan and large breasts. I'm not talking Margaret Thatcher or Bella Abzug, but come on, Jessica "Is it fish or chicken" Simpson? Now if I were to worship someone, if I were to have a fake BFF, I would be more disciminate in my decision. I would choose someone more like, well, Tina Fey.





Yes, I admit it. I worship Tina Fey. If I could be anyone else, I would be Tina Fey. She is my fake BFF. In my fantasy world, we have coffee together at Starbuck's, our kids have playdates, we have girls' night out-- oh and I help her write all her scripts. I am Larry David to her Jerry Seinfeld. I am perfectly happy being the behind the scenes writer, while she gets all the celebrity and glory. I don't need to be famous. I just need to hang out with my fake BFF Tina Fey.





Ok, so maybe I am just as pathetic as the young lady I used to work with. All I have to say is:





TINA FEY RULES!

Labels: Laughter

I've state before that John had a wonderful sense of humor and was very funny and quick-witted.



Sometimes he was funny without even trying. Here are two examples:



One - Pre-kids, John was going to a Rangers hockey game one evening with his friends. He decided to be responsible and take the bus into New York from the town next to us. He planned on taking a cab back home from the bus station. I was also supposed to have a "girls' night out" that evening, but ended up with a nasty case of the flu so I cancelled my plans.



John took his bus into the city, had a great time with his friends at the game, drank way too many beers, and boarded the bus back home. Around 11:00 pm the phone rang. It was John. He was at a bus stop 45 minutes away because, in his drunken state, he got on the wrong bus to come home. I had to get dressed, get in the car and drive round trip 1 1/2 hours with the flu.



Two - When I was pregnant with Ava and Aidan was 14-months-old, John was on his way to a Giants football game. He stopped at the gas station in town to fill up on his way to the game. He ran into another guy there who was also on his way to see the Giants. They got into all that male bonding, we love the Giants, bravado. John got so excited for the game, he pulled out of the gas station with the nozzle still in his tank. He ripped the hose right out of the pump.



Unfortunately the story doesn't end there. A day later his "check engine" light came on. He brought it to the dealer who couldn't find anything wrong with the car. The mechanic told him that sometimes if the gas tank isn't shut properly it can cause the "check engine" light to go on.



John told him that was probably the problem since his wife pulled out of a gas station with the nozzle still in the gas tank the day before.



THE BASTARD BLAMED IT ON ME! He told me that he certainly wasn't going to admit to doing something so stupid.

Labels: Laughter

My new guilty pleasure is the BRAVO series The Real Housewives of NYC. Hey, give me a break. There was a writer's strike going on and I couldn't take one more repeat of Law and Order no matter how much I love Jesse L. Martin.

The best part about this show is these women think those of us watching envy their lives, their money and their clothes. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are laughing at them and their pretentiousness and their competiveness. No one is friends for the sake of friendship. Everyone is friends so they can have connections to get invited to the "right" parties.

I will start with my least favorite housewife and go in reverse likeability order.

Ramona--Ramona and "Inappropriate Mom" have a lot in common. Only "Inappropriate Mom" has the body (albeit NOT the face) to pull off what she wears. Ramona does not have nearly the great figure she thinks she does and would look one hundred times better if she toned it down. Her daughter, who is surprisingly grounded, is mortified by her and rightfully so. Ramona is also a bitch. She backstabs her friends and lies about it.

Alex - Alex is obviously anorexic and bulimic. Her teeth look like they are rotting out of her mouth and her hair looks so malnourished and damaged. She looks like skeletor. See?

For those of you who haven't seen the show, Alex is the bottom picture.

Her and Maria Shriver can have a Skeletor look alike contest.





You know what, let's add J-Lo's hubby, Marc Anthony, to that contest.

Labels: Laughter, Life