When John died, many people told me he was in a better place now. I wonder how they know that. Have they been there? Would they like to trade places with him if it's such a better place? These are the questions I stopped myself from asking those people.


He's not in a better place. His place was here with his family, watching his children grow up. Yes, I believe he's now out of pain. I refuse to believe in a Universe that would allow a good man like him to remain in pain, but he never should have been in that pain. The blessing would have been if he'd never gotten the cancer, never been in excruciating pain, never died and was here with us.


My aunt died at 82 last year. My great-grandmother died well into her 90s. "They're in a better place" is best reserved for those who have gone through the natural life cycle. I loved them both, but was not devastated by their deaths. Their dying was a part of life and maybe they are in a better place. Even my father, who died at 74, was ok with dying. He said he had a good ride. But John was 44 with a young family and a lot to live for. The natural order of things is not for a 44-year-old man to die. He was not ready to die like my aunt, my great-grandmother and my father. And he shouldn't have--statistically he shouldn't have. I have to accept it because it happened, but I do not have to believe he is in a better place. I do not have to stop believing that the best place for him to be is with us--Aidan, Ava, and me.


I know people don't know what to say. I know they are trying to comfort me. Some may even believe it, but if I hit them with those hard questions, if I ask them if they would like to trade places with John, would they still believe he was in a better place or would it shake their faith?

Labels: Life, Love